Originally Published May 8, 2011

Welcome to the nation of Acirema, the land of the free and the home of the brave – at least, that’s what the Aciremans tell themselves.

The Aciremans, for the most part, are homely individuals – people who pride themselves upon being distinctly plain and for always being able to act prudently without having to care or think too much. Nowhere do the Aciremans display this latter trait more than in the realm of Acireman politics, where they recently elected a new President and Congress.

“There are few things in life that tarnish the human spirit more than a government handout,” the newly elected President said in his campaign. And so, after being elected, he did away with all those dastardly handouts in his first 100 days in office. Most Aciremans believe their President when he says that the only way to treat someone who has been debilitated by government assistance is to give them no assistance at all.

The Aciremans, excited to see that their government had actually done something, cheered the President’s bold act. “There’s nothing that motivates a man more than the prospect of starvation!” said a popular Acireman radio talk-show host. “Take away the free lunch he’s been getting at the taxpayer’s expense and he’ll quickly learn the meaning of hard work!”

It’s commonly known, of course, that this particular host well knows the meaning of hard work, having been born, as he has often said, “with a knack for it.” And it’s true, he has worked hard throughout his entire life: at the private schools to which his parents sent him, at the well-paying job that he landed through a family connection, and now at the radio program he inherited from the former host – who is, coincidentally, the newly-elected President of Acirema. “All a man has to do is lift himself up by his own bootstraps! I did it! And if I can do it, anyone can,” he has frequently opined on his show. His listeners – mostly uneducated, low-income Aciremans – have always agreed.

Those Aciremans who object to the President’s recent actions have grown disheartened. “Acirema is now a backward country!” they cry. One of the thought leaders of the new-President’s opposition, a thirty-something mother, author, and small business owner, voices her opposition this way:

“When are we going to stop thinking and speaking about the government as if it’s a foreign entity? Have we all forgotten that the first sentence of this nation’s founding document begins ‘We, The People?’ The undeniable truth behind Acirema’s unparalleled success is not that each individual Acireman is so exceptional, it’s that we realized long ago that community is, and shall always be, the quiet, yet compelling force behind all human greatness – that, together, we can easily accomplish things that strain the dreams of one.”

While opposition to the President has been vocal, they remain few. Next on the agenda for the new Acireman President: closing the massive budget deficit through a new wave of targeted tax cuts for the wealthiest Aciremans.

© 2011 P.D. Nym